Monkeys, Menswear, and Marines

Today’s rant is about something that all the Marines will understand.  My civilian friends may not be aware of this, but the Marine Corps has some strange rules.  One of these rules is that we are not allowed to wear our camouflage utility uniform off-base.  This is our usual, everyday uniform that we usually refer to as "cammies" or perhaps "utilities" if we want to sound more professional.  If a Marine has business to conduct in town, or must travel via civilian transport, then he must change into his civilian clothes or into a dress or service uniform.  If a Marine works in a higher headquarters like the Pentagon, he can't wear his cammies on public transportation to and from work.  He must first change into jeans and a polo shirt.  I have absolutely no idea why this is so.  I’ve had a million conversations with a thousand first sergeants and sergeants major, and not one of them has given me a valid reason for the rule.  The best explanation I’ve ever heard is the somewhat ridiculous claim that it “puts a bad image out there.” 

Judge for yourself—which of the pictures below do you think puts out a better image for the Marine Corps?

This one?

Or do you like this better?

                Believe it or not, the Marine Corps currently favors the second picture.  In fact, I imagine every Marine Staff NCO that saw the top picture spent some time trying to discern if it was taken off-base or not, and to figure out who the guy was in case they wanted to chew him out later.  We Marines will actually sometimes hold what we call “Liberty Formations” where we gather all the Marines together to give them a final safety talk (remind me to describe these jewels to you some time) before they go off on a holiday weekend.  The Marines are required to wear their civilian attire to these formations, and they come looking exactly like you would expect a gaggle of young people between the ages of 19 and 24 to look, which is exactly like the picture above, wearing whatever baggy ridiculous outfit is the latest trend.  I cannot for the life of me figure out why we do this.

            Now for another little wrinkle.  Recently, the Marine Corps adopted a spiffy new running suit.  This spiffy new running suit is approved for wear on liberty.  I’m not bagging on the running suit--I like it.  But why is it okay to wear your sweaty running suit on a shopping trip to Wal-Mart, but if you wear your cammies the world will stop turning?  Riddle me that, Batman.

Pretty Spiffy

What's wrong with this, though?

What I'm not understanding is the institution's apparent hate of its own uniform.  And I must say, that as far as working uniforms go, it beats the other services hands down.  At least that's my unbiased opinion.  So what's the big deal?

I offer this by way of explanation.  There is a little story I heard once, first in a speech from Colonel Robert E. Lee (his real name) at The Basic School in Quantico upon my graduation there in 1999, and have since repeated countless times.  I researched it on the internet, but I have been unable to determine the original author.  I’ve taken to calling it the “Story of the Monkeys and the Cold Water.”  It goes like this:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with ice-cold water.


After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response – all of the monkeys get sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days, and then turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. As soon as he makes a move to do so, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he learns that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will get the crap beaten out of him.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. An interesting point: the previous newbie takes part in the ass-whipping with enthusiasm. Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. But they don’t let that bother them.

Continue replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, and now all the monkeys who have ever been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Listen to the Dude explain it.

            And that, Devil Dogs, is why you cannot wear your cammies out in town.  Maybe there was once a good reason, but nobody seems to remember it now.  But that won’t stop the first sergeant from tearing you a new butthole if he catches you at the gas station in your cammies.  We wouldn't want you to give the Corps a bad name...

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