Check Out the Nutsack on Vladimir

I don't keep up with the news like I should, I guess, because I was absolutely dumbfounded by what the Russians have been up to lately.  These guys really know how to have an election, except for the free and fair part, that is. They held their contest back on 4 March, and surprisingly enough Vladimir Putin was somehow able to squeeze out another win.

What?  I go deer hunting shirtless all the time.

Vladimir was running for reelection to president after a tour as the prime minister (he appointed Dmitry Medvedev as his successor, who then made him prime minister), which was precedeed by two elected terms as president, and one term as the appointed successor to Boris Yeltsin.  All of this manuevering is to get around the Russian constitution's rule about limiting a president to two terms.  So this isn’t corrupt at all—they’re just following the constitution, you see.

He is a martial arts expert.
Watch how easily he demolishes these two little boys.

Vladimir, the former KGB-man, was apparently not certain that pulling people’s fingernails out was going to get it done this time, so he went to some pretty great lengths to prove what a badass he is.  He was running around shooting guns, going fishing, riding horses, and popping his shirt off.  I’m not exactly sure what else he does to govern the country, but he obviously thinks that it is important that the Russian people recognize that his testicles are in proper working order.  While he needs a new publicist and a personal trainer, you still have to admire the sheer absurdity of these stunts.  They have all the same subtlety of a T-55 tank in Budapest in 1956, but they seemed to have worked pretty well.  He won 67% of the vote, with the other 33% divided among the nine or so other contenders you never even heard of. 

Russia has a long history of transparency and fairness in politics.
Just ask the Hungarians.  And the Polish.
And the East Germans.  And the Czechs.  

In the weird Russian political system, the president has some pretty strong powers without all those pesky “checks and balances” that other democratic countries have. This is Putin’s fourth term as president/dictator, after some pretty shady “good ole’ boy” deals with his homeboys Boris and Dmitry.  With this little stunt, he could remain the president until 2024 when he will be 71.  This guy is so crooked he makes Newt seem like a cub scout. 

I don't always drink vodka...but when I do,
I am much more interesting than you.

But you have really do have to give it to him for his showmanship.  He came off somewhere between Daniel Craig (though a good bit saggier) and that old guy in the Dos Equis beer commercials.

The look I assume they were going for...

The look they got.
      I recommend pushups.  A lot of them.  Seriously.

The Obama dog.

I don't know what else to say.

I mean, like him or not, he definitely has a set of real low-hangers.  Compare the sight of Vladimir Putin shooting a crossbow at a whale with President Obama’s little rat-dog, and tell me you aren’t at least a little bit jealous of the Ruskies.  And we thought Ronald Reagan was tough for splitting wood. 

Not bad, Ronnie, but I think he topped you.