Too Safe

That was the first thing I noticed, too.

America is absolutely bonkers about safety these days.  I am not an old man, but I can clearly remember a time when absolutely nobody wore seatbelts but race car drivers, and I had never even heard of a bicycle helmet.  These days, if you let your kid ride his tricycle without wearing a full set of pads, Child Protective Services will show up and take him away.  Everything has rounded edges, padding, and guard rails.  The outlets are plugged with little plastic safeties, there are electronic baby monitors with digital cameras accessible from the internet, the playground is lined with soft rubber, and even the shopping cart has a seatbelt.  There is little opportunity for Darwin to insert himself into the equation at all during the early years, the period of time he was once most effective—prior to sexual maturity. 

Evolutionarily speaking, it's probably already too late at this point.

Now any hope for natural selection has to wait until the teenage years, when the little boogers invent weird stunts to hurt themselves, like Parkour or skateboarding or whatever.  Watch the show Jackass a few times, and you will understand the backlash of too much safety for kids.  I think it is an example of nature trying to correct an imbalance, to weed out the unworthy before they pass those defective genes on to the next generation.  The Jackass guys are doing their best to help nature get rid of them.  Unfortunately it seldom works, as the little morons need to either die or get their testicles ripped off prior to getting anybody pregnant to have the appropriate effect on evolution.

It looks promising, but his girlfriend may already be knocked up.

In our weird little modern world, it’s the least favorable genes that seem to get passed down the most.  Watch the movie Idiocracy some time.  The premise is that the idiots are breeding like rabbits, while the intellectuals are hem-hawing around being proper and not reproducing.  This is then extrapolated over a thousand years until the intellectuals go extinct and everyone is stupid.  It’s kind of a slapstick comedy, but that’s a pretty powerful message.  Watch a few episodes of Jerry Springer and Jersey Shore and tell me it’s just my imagination.  I think this is a legitimate concern. 

On second thought, maybe you should just enjoy it.

I know what you are thinking.  You’re thinking, “Why don’t we just restrict reproduction by people who have inferior genetics?  We do it with horses and dogs, why not people?”  Another guy had some plans like that.  His first name was Adolf.

We could make a "super race."
I don't see any way that could possibly go wrong. 

Oh yeah, now I remember.

I am probably about to shoot a lot of holes in my own credibility with the following admission, but my journalistic integrity will not allow it to be omitted (and neither would my mama).  As a youngster, I managed to pull off a dizzying array of antics that still spark some lively conversations on the back porch at my parent’s house.  For instance, I set myself on fire with gasoline, completely filled my younger brother’s eye with mud, ran a three-wheeler into a car at 30mph, blew a hole in the living room ceiling with a shotgun, and stuck a wooden spear into my own forehead.  All of those are actual childhood events.  I have taken no poetic license here—and if you’d like all the details, my mother would be happy to tell you all about them.

I honestly wish I was making them up.

I did these, and many, many more amazingly fun activities which will remain unmentioned, since I have no desire to admit to any misdemeanors (or felonies) or to give Mama even more ammunition.  I did even more still as an adolescent and even as a young adult.  Were they stupid things?  Yes, they were.  Completely retarded.  But they taught me very valuable and realistic lessons that I carried with me into the future, sort of an attitude towards life and an actual appreciation for the consequences if you act like a retard around dangerous things.  The school of hard knocks, I’ve heard it called. 

He will remember this far longer than you yelling,
"Stop throwing darts at each other!"

I guess my point is that I have earned the right to reproduce because I navigated my way through a lifetime filled with opportunities to die or go to prison.  Because I was either smart or lucky enough to make it through, there’s a good chance my genes didn’t come from the shallow end of the pool. 

The ancient Spartans used to grossly underfeed their boys as they conducted their warrior training, forcing them to steal food to survive.  They were expected to steal the food, and it was left around for them to be able to steal it.  But if they were caught, they were beaten severely.  This made them resourceful, stealthy, and clever.

Do you think his mother ever left him
in the car while she was in the store?

Safety is a good thing, taken in moderation.  You don’t want to let your toddler play on high-rise scaffolding with a rusty razor blade and a book of matches.  But you do need to let him get into some trouble.  Life is risky, and living it is all about managing risk.  Let him earn his stripes.  He’ll be better in the long run.  Look how awesome I turned out.

Awesome safety sign.

A Southern Gentleman Develops Road Rage

Northern Virginia in the springtime is a beautiful place, with lots of activities to do, lots of sights to see, lots of places to visit.  Washington, D.C. is just up the road with all of its historic and cultural attractions.  There are mountains nearby for hiking.  There are beaches not too far away, shopping Meccas everywhere, and sporting events galore.  

The problem is you can’t get to any of them, on account of the roughly 4 gazillion people on the road at any given moment.  It’s like the carrying capacity of the transportation infrastructure of this place (which is perpetually under construction, by the way) is constantly about 25% behind the population.  There are just too many people, and they all want to go to the same place at the same time.  That’s the real problem with living here—Too Many Motherfuckers, or as I like to say in polite company, TMM or TM².  I think this syndrome affects most of the major cities of the world, and it’s only going to get worse. And roughly a third of them cannot drive a car down the highway without pissing me off.

The problem with society is other people.  

Of course, I am one of these roughly 4 gazillion MFers on the road.  I am alone in a large pickup truck about 90% of the time I spend on the road, just sitting there idling, burning precious gasoline, stewing in my own road rage.  I am self aware enough to realize my own hypocrisy, but I try not to dwell on it, because it dilutes the righteous anger I feel at everyone else. 

http://www.despair.com
It's not me, it's you.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that I’m one of those crazy types who thinks that driving on the interstate is tantamount to being in some sort of undeclared NASCAR race, and that I always think I have to be in first place.  I do, admittedly, have a bit of a “type A” personality and as such can become a teensy bit competitive and maybe even a little aggressive, but my personality flaws are not the point here.  So lay off.

I just think that our time on the roads could go a lot nicer if people could learn to operate their automobiles as if they had some place to be, and were aware that other people are on the road because they have someplace to be.  For instance, if we are waiting at a left-turn signal, and we finally get the little green arrow, and there are 20 cars waiting, maybe you could mash your freaking accelerator and move on through the light instead of creeping through like an asshole and making everyone else miss the light.  Or if you are on the freeway, where there are three or more lanes, maybe don’t sit in the left lane going the exact same speed as the cars in the middle and right lanes—a little maneuver I have taken to calling the “Maryland Roadblock.”  Slower traffic keep right.  It’s a very simple concept.  Instead, we wind up driving in these tight little clumps of cars, all usually less than a car-length apart (because if you leave any space, some jackass will shoe-horn his SUV in front of you for no reason), with lots of open road between them.  All because grandma wants to use her cruise control, and if she gets in the lane where she belongs, she’ll have to turn it off and on too much.  So inconsiderate, so self-centered—it sends me to levels of pissed-offedness that I am ashamed to admit to.  I will sit there in my car and wishfully dream of .50cal machineguns mounted on the front of my car so that I could appropriately punish this horrible person in front of me, destroying their car and them in a hail of armor-piercing bullets.

They may not allow this particular model at the airport, however.

The DIY model

Then I will finally manage to pass, pull up next to the car, look over to give the driver a stern look, and I see it is some elderly lady on her cell phone, not an ogre after all, and I wonder what is wrong with me. 

Didn't I want to kill you a moment ago?

Come on, folks.  Don’t go slow in the left lane.
We’re trying to have a society here. 

Maybe the real reason I get so angry driving around here is because of my southern upbringing.  In my hometown, they often have the opposite problem—people are TOO considerate.  You can’t get out of a parking lot after a big event because people are trying to let everyone else go in front of them, even though they have the right of way.  And NOBODY honks a horn.  Honking your horn in Tifton, GA is on equal footing with getting out of your car and taking a dump on the other car's hood.  The horn is reserved for true emergencies and for getting your friend's attention so you can wave at him.  When I visit, I feel like a real asshole for being an impatient driver.  When I return to crazy-town, I’m angry all over again, only more so, because I know that people don’t have to act this way.

Check Out the Nutsack on Vladimir

I don't keep up with the news like I should, I guess, because I was absolutely dumbfounded by what the Russians have been up to lately.  These guys really know how to have an election, except for the free and fair part, that is. They held their contest back on 4 March, and surprisingly enough Vladimir Putin was somehow able to squeeze out another win.

What?  I go deer hunting shirtless all the time.

Vladimir was running for reelection to president after a tour as the prime minister (he appointed Dmitry Medvedev as his successor, who then made him prime minister), which was precedeed by two elected terms as president, and one term as the appointed successor to Boris Yeltsin.  All of this manuevering is to get around the Russian constitution's rule about limiting a president to two terms.  So this isn’t corrupt at all—they’re just following the constitution, you see.

He is a martial arts expert.
Watch how easily he demolishes these two little boys.

Vladimir, the former KGB-man, was apparently not certain that pulling people’s fingernails out was going to get it done this time, so he went to some pretty great lengths to prove what a badass he is.  He was running around shooting guns, going fishing, riding horses, and popping his shirt off.  I’m not exactly sure what else he does to govern the country, but he obviously thinks that it is important that the Russian people recognize that his testicles are in proper working order.  While he needs a new publicist and a personal trainer, you still have to admire the sheer absurdity of these stunts.  They have all the same subtlety of a T-55 tank in Budapest in 1956, but they seemed to have worked pretty well.  He won 67% of the vote, with the other 33% divided among the nine or so other contenders you never even heard of. 

Russia has a long history of transparency and fairness in politics.
Just ask the Hungarians.  And the Polish.
And the East Germans.  And the Czechs.  

In the weird Russian political system, the president has some pretty strong powers without all those pesky “checks and balances” that other democratic countries have. This is Putin’s fourth term as president/dictator, after some pretty shady “good ole’ boy” deals with his homeboys Boris and Dmitry.  With this little stunt, he could remain the president until 2024 when he will be 71.  This guy is so crooked he makes Newt seem like a cub scout. 

I don't always drink vodka...but when I do,
I am much more interesting than you.

But you have really do have to give it to him for his showmanship.  He came off somewhere between Daniel Craig (though a good bit saggier) and that old guy in the Dos Equis beer commercials.

The look I assume they were going for...

The look they got.
      I recommend pushups.  A lot of them.  Seriously.

The Obama dog.

I don't know what else to say.

I mean, like him or not, he definitely has a set of real low-hangers.  Compare the sight of Vladimir Putin shooting a crossbow at a whale with President Obama’s little rat-dog, and tell me you aren’t at least a little bit jealous of the Ruskies.  And we thought Ronald Reagan was tough for splitting wood. 

Not bad, Ronnie, but I think he topped you.

Kindergarten Environmentalism Part II: Global Warming

There are more things about popular environmentalism that anger me than I could reasonably put in one blog post.  I got into a bit of a Facebook discussion with some guys about global warming (aka climate change), and decided I should elaborate here, where I have a little more space (and privacy, sadly).

Don't watch this without coffee.

NOT a Climatologist.

            Several groups have been warning us over the last 10 or 12 years about the coming catastrophe of climate change, brought on by the sudden increase in global average temperature, brought on by the exponential increase in carbon dioxide (CO₂) and other “greenhouse gasses.”  The most famous of these was Mr. Excitement, VicePresident Al Gore in his famous movie adaptation of a slide presentation, An Inconvenient Truth.  Now, apart from featuring the mind-numbingly boring former VP, this was an interesting documentary, and really helped to get the message out there, revitalizing the environmental movement and the study of climate.  The beef I had with it was that the producers of the film (and several other people before and since) have put forth the notion that the science for this is rock-solid, that there is no debate within the academic community, and that there are no other possibilities to prevent the apocalypse besides the ones they propose.  That’s dangerous talk, from people who should know better.  The idiot media gets a dose of rhetoric like that, and they absolutely propagandize it.  Take a look at one of the more yuppie-type TV channels sometime, and count how many times you hear some metro-sexual on HGTV mention his "carbon footprint" in an hour.  Now I'm getting advice on environmental issues from a guy with enough gel in his hair to kill all of the fish in a small pond.  

Disagreement and debate in the academic community is the very thing that will save us.  It exists, luckily, even though it mostly goes unreported.  Here's a link to a good debate among some scientists on NPR.  The day that every scientist agrees with a complex theory in a complex (and really young) field like climatology is the day we have lost our only real hope.  If there is one saving grace for humanity, it is its relentless search for knowledge and truth.  This is the pursuit that our academics need to stick with.  I hate seeing scientists clamoring about political and economic changes.  It only makes them less credible and paints them into corners dogmatically.  Politics and bullshit should be left to the professional bullshit artists, namely politicians.

Not all hazards are man-made...

Environmental issues are often very complicated.  Our planet is not the unchanging, stable platform that the hippie environmentalists would have you believe.  It orbits its star, narrowly misses other celestial objects (occasionally doesn't miss), wobbling slightly on its axis, part of a solar system, which is in turn part of a larger galaxy, which is all turning around a black hole, which is also moving.  All of these interactions are pretty complicated and interactive and important to our climate here on Earth.  And that doesn't even begin to comment on the interactions within our atmosphere and oceans.  It is super-extra complicated, and our measuring methods are sort of unreliable and VERY recent.  I do not discount everything that Al Gore has to say.  It is probably true that we have drastically increased the carbon dioxide content of the atmosphere since the dawn of the industrial revolution, but it is important to remember that our climate is an incredibly complex system, with multiple feedback mechanisms, both positive and negative.  The Gore camp tends to focus solely on the positive ones, the ones that will accelerate the warming trend, and discount the negatives that would slow down the trend. 

            For instance, the former-VP pointed out the retreat of several glaciers and the melting of the ice sheets on Antarctica and Greenland, presumably due to the increase in CO₂ over the last 150 years or so (we’ll just ignore all the possible other factors for now).  This melting and loss of white reflective surface will reduce the albedo (reflectivity) of the planet and cause the earth to absorb more of the sun’s energy and release it as heat, which will cause the earth to warm, which will cause more melting.  The warmer temperatures will cause more water vapor to be held in the atmosphere, increasing the greenhouse effect and cause even more melting until, SHAZAM—the set for Waterworld is created.

If this is what acting will be like after global warming,
somebody get me an electric car right now.

Which is it?  Freeze or melt?
Make up your minds, guys.
(I didn't even notice this wasn't in English at first)

            Apart from being a pretty shitty movie in general (kind of a Road Warrior rip-off, only with jet-skis) and yet another pathetic Hollywood attempt to make a good action hero out of Kevin Costner, Waterworld is a good illustration of what the Al Goreites (does that work?  “Al Goreians,” maybe?) were initially selling with the global warming idea.  Problem is, this theory kind of forgets about the other side of the coin, and all of the negative feedbacks that would also kick in to stabilize the temperature.  For example—when the ice packs melt, there is more fresh water dumped into the northern ocean, which affects the salinity balance between the surface ocean currents and the deep ocean currents, which slows them down, which in turn reduces the amount of heat brought into the polar regions and slows melting.   Remember the other apocalyptic climate-change movie with Dennis Quaid, The Day After Tomorrow?  That movie’s premise is that global warming actually triggers an ice age by disrupting the ocean currents, but is just as silly and unlikely as the Kevin Costner abortion.  There are numerous other negative and positive feedbacks that I won’t get into, lest this blog turn into a geography text book.  Suffice it to say that it is really freaking complicated. So even though I began this rambling with a claim that change is normal, we now see that there are plenty of dampeners between us and oblivion.  The pendulum never swings too far one way or the other, which is how this place has managed to survive this long.

Speaking from anal defilade...

Truth is, nobody knows what the overall effect of doubling CO₂ in the atmosphere will be.  We don’t have really accurate computer models of the Earth’s climate, mainly because of a lack of understanding of the dynamics of the oceans.  So anyone who claims to know the answer for sure or who says that “every scientist agrees” is speaking from what I like to call “anal defilade,” and is letting his political views cloud his perceptions.

The way I see it, even if the worst case happens, and there is a major and rapid planet-wide climate shift, it is hardly curtains for the human species.  The truly maddening argument is the one over whether or not this is a man-made problem.  As if the extermination of half the existing population is fine, as long as it's not anthropogenic.  I don't care where it came from, only the best way to fix it.  We humans are a very inventive bunch, and when necessity comes calling, inventions will result.  Sure, the population is going to take a hit, and a lot of things will have to change, but as long as we can keep our panicky little hands off the nuclear button, it is hardly an existential threat.  This little planet we have will only support a certain number of us, that is the most inconvenient of truths.  Eventually, we will have to compete even more for resources, regardless of sea level or climate shifts.  And that's where my job comes in.  So settle down, Beavis.  It's going to be okay.

If the worst happens, you can bet it won't be America that goes hungry.

Kindergarten Environmentalism

I hate hippies.  I’m using the word hate here, about hippies.  A very strong word, hate.  The main reason I hate them is their association with, and perversion of, the environmental movement—which is what this installment is really about, not hippies.  I also hate their generally disheveled appearance, lack of personal hygiene, and condescending hipster attitudes, but their screwing up of the environmental movement is what I hate most.

They never seem to look like this...

This is a more accurate representation.

Living this close to D.C. means that I regularly bump into these kinds of people, these hippies.  Growing up in Tifton, Georgia, I never ran into one.  Here, they are as common in the coffee shops and yoga classes and Whole Foods stores as flies at a dumpster.  Thankfully, both my profession and testicles keep me out of such establishments most of the time, but I still run into them occasionally, and when I do, they usually piss me off.

A little history on Yours Truly:  I dropped out of college in 1989, got married, and enlisted in the Marines—all in the space of a couple of months.  When I resumed college in 2003, as a grown-ass man (and a Marine Corps captain to boot), I decided to major in environmental science.  That struck a lot of people who knew me as strange, because of my libertarian views and general disdain for bullshit.  I will admit that the main reason I chose this field was that I could accomplish it quickly (the Marine Corps would only allow 18 months, and I was still two full years short of my degree), but I also had at least some interest in the good of the planet.  I had been around the world a few times by then, had seen some really messed up things, and had to comply with a few environmental regulations on construction sites.  Just enough to pique my interest.  So anyway, that’s how I came to begin my education into environmental issues, and when I first really began to dislike the pot-smoking little shits in my environmental classes with me.  

Exhibit A

Now back to the point-- The Earth is not a stable place.  It changes all the time.  The weather changes, of course.  Climate changes (we can argue all day about whose fault it is, but it changes nonetheless, and has done so for eons), species die out and are replaced by others, and mountains erode and wash into the sea.  Modern-day environmentalism doesn’t seem to take this into account, and freaks out about any evidence of change it uncovers.   Let me tell you a little tale to illustrate what I mean:

Andy, the Desert Tortoise
(they seem cuter if you give them a name)

In the Mohave Desert, there is a turtle.  More accurately, it is a tortoise—called the desert tortoise, interestingly enough.  Anyway, this particular animal is endangered.  The Marine Corps has an enormous training base in this particular desert, near Twenty-nine Palms, CA, and as such the Marines have to pay particular attention to the desert tortoise and his terrible little life.  I have received countless briefs by environmental “experts” about this specific animal, and have been threatened with all sorts of draconian punishments if I or my Marines so much as frighten one of these things.  The reason for this is that the turtle stores extra water in its bladder, and if frightened, it pees.  If that happens, it may die from dehydration.  You heard that right.  The turtle pees itself when startled, and then expires from dehydration as a result.  This animal, which lives in the desert, dumps its water supply as a startle response.  That is not smart, evolutionarily speaking.  Why do we care if this weak and stupid animal goes extinct?  I’m sorry, but I think this critter was on his way out anyway.    You can make all the rules you want, but Darwin’s had his eye on this little guy for a while now.

Here's your villain 

Not this guy

I think some thanks are in order, Andy.

Now, the environmental expert's argument was that the animal is endangered because of human encroachment on his habitat (meaning me and my fellow Marines, I suppose).  He seemed unable to understand that the reason the little guy has a habitat at all is because the government fenced off a plot of land the size of Rhode Island for us to train in.  If it weren't for that, then some mining operation or other such activity would have long since ground these pesky little turtles under the treads of their bulldozers.  If one of them finds his way under the tracks of a Marine Corps tank now, c'est la vie.  Vaya con Dios, little dude.  But he would likely have never had the chance in the first place otherwise.

I’m not arguing for the eradication of the desert tortoise.  I’m just saying that the coyotes and snakes and whatnot are under the same pressures in that training area, but they seem to be doing okay.  Failure of the weaker species is a key factor in evolution, and was happening for ages before mankind ever made his first spear.  I’m saying that unless this animal can be shown to hold some sort of value (other than the biodiversity bullshit argument), then why should we go out of our way to keep it around?  The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History is chock full of the fossilized bones of failures.  It’s the way it goes.

Beatrice, the prehistoric frog-type thing.
Doesn't the name help you to relate more?
(photo credit to Tina Carr)

The reason this makes me say I hate hippies is that hippies try to make me feel guilty for the fate of the desert tortoise.  Everything that changes is seen as bad, everything that is bad is seen as the fault of the intervention of man, and every action of man is seen as “unnatural,” as if mankind was from some other world.  Human beings are as much a part of the natural order of things as any other organism.  That attitude bothers me because mankind can and should consider the environment as we go about our business, and the perversion of environmentalism to the role of a Jewish mother will only politicize the idea.  And when things become political, you can throw science right out the window.

Screw you, hippie.  It’s not my fault.