Cinema Wine

I have a confession to make.  I know this may come as a shock, but sometimes I bring external beverages into the movies.  Not just any beverage either, but wine.  Jesus Juice, as Micheal Jackson put it.  Cougar fuel.  Nectar of the gods.

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There’s clearly room for more wine.

I know, I know, it's shameful of me.  I'm supposed to buy a half-gallon of Diet Coke at the snack bar for $17, and therefore I'm cheating the movie theater out of much needed revenue.  Well, I say that the movie theaters should be ashamed of themselves, selling fountain drinks and shitty popcorn at a 10,000% mark up.  But the truth is, I usually still get that giant barrel of Diet Coke, along with my illicit contraband. It's win-win. It also means I spend the last 30 minutes of the movie doing the seated pee-pee dance.

The fatal flaw in my plan.

Some movie theaters sell booze now, so I don't pull my little smuggling game all that often anymore, but sometimes I still do.  It's just so fun for some reason. I think it's the danger. Sneaking it past the sharp eyes of that pimply-faced guy who takes your ticket and tells you which theater your film is in takes nerves of steel.

It's so thrilling to stare such grave danger in the face and get away with it.  I don't know, maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie.  I mean, it's either this or learn how to skydive in one of those wing suits.  Not only is it super fun to do, it greatly improves the watchability of some movies that I have been tricked into seeing.  Bridget Jones's Baby springs to mind.  Ugh.

The actual sneaking of the wine isn't rocket science, but I have learned that every method has its pros and cons.  Some sort of obvious basics: no corks--only screw caps, you'll also need plastic wine glasses (only alcoholics drink wine from the bottle), and you should wait until the previews start and the lights are lowered before you start breaking out the booze.

Toilet Wine

They sell wine in cartons these days, easy for sneaking and disposable--but it's usually some sort of ass-wine that tastes like it was funneled into the carton using the butt-crack of a sweaty water buffalo. A pretty big negative.

Some brands sell single-servings in cute little glass bottles, but then you're left trying to walk in with these little bottles clinking against each other.  Also, the wine gets warm quickly in these bottles, and I'm a very discerning sneaky boozer.

This turned out to be a very useful gift.

A really good method I have used requires a good coffee thermos and a female companion with a large purse.  I've carried it in myself in my jacket, but that's a pretty risky move, because a dude that looks like me with a large metal object hidden under his coat looks a little bit threatening to some people.  I suppose I could carry a purse, but I just don't think I could pull that look off.  On the plus side, it keeps the wine perfectly chilled and comes with its own cup. The bad news is you still have to sneak it back out.

My current favorite smuggling method is to pour a bottle of wine into a nalgene water bottle.  It still gets a little warm after a while, but much more slowly than the little bottles.  Also, it looks a little less incriminating, and makes less noise.

So there you go.  Wine Smuggling 101.  I just spent two hours explaining drinking wine secretly in movie theaters, and it was great.  Didn't think of the dumpster fire that is our presidential election once during that entire time. I actually wrote this a week ago, but didn't publish because...I guess because who gives a crap?  Anyway, if you're reading it, I think we both need to get out more.

Maybe we could go to the movies.