Vegans Suck

Devilishly Handsome 
Red-blooded American Omnivore

Skinny-fat Vegan Sissy-boy

Today I met a vegan, and I believe he may have been the most misinformed and stupid person I have ever met.  He observed me eating my lunch, which was a leftover flank steak that I grilled last week. I was eating it cold, out of a plastic sandwich bag, without the aid of utensils as I often do.  Caveman-style, if cavemen had had plastic sandwich bags, that is.  It was delicious, but apparently this guy thought it was pretty offensive, which actually accentuates the flavor to me.  He began talking to me about the dangers of red meat consumption, the horrors of the livestock industry, and the wonderful benefits of the vegan lifestyle.  He did this with complete sincerity, even though he looked to be suffering from some sort of rickets or scurvy or some other major illness.  I don't want to brag, but I'm a pretty healthy-looking guy.  I lift weights, and can generally hold my own in most physical endeavors.  I'm pretty sure that in an arm-wrestling contest with this particular vegan, I could rip his arm completely off his body and stick it up his sanctimonious ass.  Which is what I fantasized about the entire time this little vegan spoke to me.

You may wonder why my musings suddenly turned so violent.  Well, let me explain why I hate vegans so much.  First of all, vegans are almost always hippies, and you know I hate hippies.  Second, veganism is more than a choice they have made to not eat meat or use animal products.  It is a philosophy that they have adopted that is, frankly, retarded. They also almost always choose to then project that stupidity onto me.  That's when I get upset.  If you want to go off and eat a weird diet of bean-sprouts and kale, go ahead—knock yourself out.  But don’t try to ruin my lunch, you anemic little turd.

I like to examine both viewpoints...

I can respect vegetarians.  They are wrong, of course, but all they are doing is choosing not to eat meat, and I respect people's personal choices.  You can choose to live off a diet of nothing but Twizzlers and Cool-Ranch Doritos if you want.  Just keep it to yourself.  It’s like being gay—it’s fine with me, as long as you don’t try to make me be gay with you.

MMM...Fortified soy alternatives.
That sounds delicious.
Read this guy's blog...

How do I know the vegetarians are wrong?  Because you have teeth in your head that are called canines, and they wouldn't be there if you hadn't evolved to eat meat, dumbass. 

Canines are the pointy ones.
The ones that wolves and bears also have.
You know who doesn't have canines?  Cows.

The Circle of Life.
Simba knows what I'm talking about.

Just how exactly do you suppose that people got by in the days before farming?  Before we had corn to make into Doritos and Twizzlers?  If you think people wandered around in the Stone Age finding berries and melons under every bush, you are very mistaken.  Go out into a forest sometime and take a good look around.  Take a close inventory of everything you find that you can eat.  It isn't going to look like the produce section at Wegmans, I promise you.  If you are lucky, you might find a grape vine or a nut-producing tree, maybe a rotten log full of grubs (those are animals too, by the way) but that's about all.  There's lots of grass and leaves and acorns, stuff like that, but you can't digest it very well, even if you cook it.  But you know who CAN digest that other stuff?  The insects can.  The deer can.  And your digestive system is perfectly designed to digest the deer.  You can eat nearly every single part of that delicious little bugger.  And you know how to make weapons to kill the deer.  See my point?  It's the friggin' circle of life, for goodness sake.  Watch The Lion King sometime.  This is how people lived for eons until they learned how to farm about 10,000 years ago, which is just about a heartbeat in evolutionary terms.

Explain to me again how the banana is spiritual.

So, like I said, even though it is obvious that vegetarianism is fundamentally wrong, and our ancestors evolved to eat meat and animal products as the primary source of calories, I can respect the views of other people.  I will not force them to eat meat.  I may make fun of their skinny-fat appearance and general weakness, but I won't make them eat dead animals.
-----------Now, as if that's not dumb enough... Vegetarian Spiritualism...Follow this link for proof that I'm not just making this up.  Apparently they think you can taste the cruelty in your food.  If you can, I must think it is yummy.

Doesn't he look absolutely delicious?
Just imagine how tender the meat must be.

I have never really gotten the basic idea of vegans, or of vegetarianism.  I mean, if you are against the killing and exploitation of living things, why is it okay to kill plants?  Are they not living things, too?  If your argument is based on self-awareness, I would say that a shrimp or an oyster (or a chicken, for that matter) is not too much more intellectual than a cabbage.  Can we eat the stupid animals?  What is the maximum IQ for being considered edible?  Do you hear how stupid this sounds?  

Nice tattoo.  

The fact is, we as human beings are consumers in the food chain.  Do you remember that from your science class in middle school?  We have to get our energy from food, and that food is made from other living things that are either producers, or other lower-level consumers.  You must kill another living thing and eat it, or you will die.  This is the way the world works.  So unless you are going to learn to photosynthesize, you better get used to it.  I for one did not fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat lettuce.

The main  reason I hate vegans is because they are almost all very militant about their weird dietary choices.  As if they are saving the world.  They think this is the Holocaust and they are Schindler.  I guess the cows are the Jews.

This is a real cartoon I found on a vegan website.
I think it is pretty offensive to equate farming with murder and rape.
Not to mention how incredibly naive it is...

Bacon makes the strongest argument.
Mmmmm....Bacon.

Tattoos Are Stupid

For certain.

I have been in the Marines for more than 22 years, and I have no tattoos.  I know that is hard to believe, but it is true.  Basically everyone I know seems to have at least one, but not me.  I've sat in tattoo parlors while inebriated and considered the standard USMC and barbed wire versions, but my good taste always intervened at the last moment.  Well, good taste and an alarming lack of funds.  As a young man I had more children than dollars, a fact that also kept me from getting overweight.  "The Poverty Weight-loss Plan" is what I used to call it.

The standard devildog tat...

In retrospect, I am thankful that my kids were bleeding off all of my discretionary income.  I mean, the only valid reason I've heard to get a tattoo is that it is a means of self-expression, a way to set yourself apart as an individual.  But if everybody is getting a tattoo, then how exactly is that going to set you apart?  In fact, the opposite is happening--you are just another lemming following a fad.

I really get a sense of your individuality when you all do the same thing like that.

Now, I am a total go-your-own-way libertarian, so you may be wondering why I have a bug up my ass about such a silly thing.  The answer is that my beautiful, innocent daughter wants one.  She already got a nose ring (which I REALLY don't understand), and now she wants to write some kind of poetry indelibly on her body somewhere.  She's 20, so she can do whatever she wants, but it does worry me a little.  It's easy to be all libertarian when it's somebody else, but when it's your little girl, you tend to get a little emotional. 

From a practical standpoint, the real problem with tattoos is that they are so damn permanent.  The pretty little butterfly that you get when you are young slowly transforms into a terrifying pterodactyl when you get older.  I suppose, philosophically speaking, nothing we do is permanent.  If you wait another few years the degenerated butterfly-pterodactyl will be nothing but mush in a coffin, so what's the difference?  That's a little too cynical even for me, though.

Even if you quote the Bible, it's still slutty.
And if you quote enough of it, it starts
to be stupid, too.

WTF is right, young lady.

Another point to ponder--what if the guy doing it can't draw, or is high on crystal meth, or something?  You could wind up with something really awful, even if you pick something that sounds okay.  A guy I was on ship with once had a terrible tattoo of what was supposed to be a snake with a "USMC" written across it.  It came out like a worm drawn by a kindergartner with cerebral palsy.  Remember the British roommate in the movie Bridesmaids?  You could get a Mexican Drinking Worm tattoo.

You might want to put some frozen peas on that.

Sometimes there are no words.

Another real danger is the idea that tattoos are "addictive."  Apparently, once you break the seal, you are powerless to stop yourself from becoming a total douchebag or douchette.  This is bullshit of course, but what if it's more like losing your virginity?  You know, the first time you are all reserved and shy, but soon enough you're hanging from the chandelier.  You know what the body-modification equivilent of chandelier-sex is?  Lady GaGa.  Think about that for a moment, fathers with daughters.  It's frightening.

I truly hope those things are glued on.

Please don't do this, Tina...