Tattoos Are Stupid

For certain.

I have been in the Marines for more than 22 years, and I have no tattoos.  I know that is hard to believe, but it is true.  Basically everyone I know seems to have at least one, but not me.  I've sat in tattoo parlors while inebriated and considered the standard USMC and barbed wire versions, but my good taste always intervened at the last moment.  Well, good taste and an alarming lack of funds.  As a young man I had more children than dollars, a fact that also kept me from getting overweight.  "The Poverty Weight-loss Plan" is what I used to call it.

The standard devildog tat...

In retrospect, I am thankful that my kids were bleeding off all of my discretionary income.  I mean, the only valid reason I've heard to get a tattoo is that it is a means of self-expression, a way to set yourself apart as an individual.  But if everybody is getting a tattoo, then how exactly is that going to set you apart?  In fact, the opposite is happening--you are just another lemming following a fad.

I really get a sense of your individuality when you all do the same thing like that.

Now, I am a total go-your-own-way libertarian, so you may be wondering why I have a bug up my ass about such a silly thing.  The answer is that my beautiful, innocent daughter wants one.  She already got a nose ring (which I REALLY don't understand), and now she wants to write some kind of poetry indelibly on her body somewhere.  She's 20, so she can do whatever she wants, but it does worry me a little.  It's easy to be all libertarian when it's somebody else, but when it's your little girl, you tend to get a little emotional. 

From a practical standpoint, the real problem with tattoos is that they are so damn permanent.  The pretty little butterfly that you get when you are young slowly transforms into a terrifying pterodactyl when you get older.  I suppose, philosophically speaking, nothing we do is permanent.  If you wait another few years the degenerated butterfly-pterodactyl will be nothing but mush in a coffin, so what's the difference?  That's a little too cynical even for me, though.

Even if you quote the Bible, it's still slutty.
And if you quote enough of it, it starts
to be stupid, too.

WTF is right, young lady.

Another point to ponder--what if the guy doing it can't draw, or is high on crystal meth, or something?  You could wind up with something really awful, even if you pick something that sounds okay.  A guy I was on ship with once had a terrible tattoo of what was supposed to be a snake with a "USMC" written across it.  It came out like a worm drawn by a kindergartner with cerebral palsy.  Remember the British roommate in the movie Bridesmaids?  You could get a Mexican Drinking Worm tattoo.

You might want to put some frozen peas on that.

Sometimes there are no words.

Another real danger is the idea that tattoos are "addictive."  Apparently, once you break the seal, you are powerless to stop yourself from becoming a total douchebag or douchette.  This is bullshit of course, but what if it's more like losing your virginity?  You know, the first time you are all reserved and shy, but soon enough you're hanging from the chandelier.  You know what the body-modification equivilent of chandelier-sex is?  Lady GaGa.  Think about that for a moment, fathers with daughters.  It's frightening.

I truly hope those things are glued on.

Please don't do this, Tina...